if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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