So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
