I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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