we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
