apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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