if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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