this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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