either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
