tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
