Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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