final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
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