Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
