Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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