His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
