I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
