A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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