I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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