I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
