Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
