Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
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