Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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