He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Randomize
