Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
