I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
