if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
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