I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Ketchup is God's man juice
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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