the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
