We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize