I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
