This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Randomize
