I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
You left your phone here
Wait...
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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