Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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