I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I'm too high and old for this...
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
