I skipped work to stalk him.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
