so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
