woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
