does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
