I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Randomize
