You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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