Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
