i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
why do cheetos always look like penises
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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