A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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