i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
