When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
