Sorry, I don't speak sober.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Randomize
