First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
