haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
