My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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