a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Randomize
