just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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