Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
40s are totally the cure
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Randomize
