Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize
