I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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