Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
