Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
