i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
