i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
