I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
