Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
