i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize
