If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
