i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Randomize
