the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Randomize
