well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
